Bookshelf: The Good Boss
Nine Ways Every Manager Can Support Women at Work
The Ars Pandemonium Bookshelf
Thoughts and musings on mainstream business literature through my own prism of managing and leading teams of creative professionals. These are not “book reviews!” See more here.
The Good Boss: Nine Ways Every Manager Can Support Women at Work
Kate Eberle Walker; 2021, BenBella Books
The Good Boss sets out its key project rather bluntly:
“One of the most important things this book is doing is shining light on that extra effort that comes from navigating a workplace that is not made for women. It’s why we need more bosses that change the environment to be what works for women, instead of teaching women how to change themselves to fit the environment. Adapting to a work structure created by men, for men, takes a lot of extra work for women.”
I found this book an insightful read and was glad to have spent time with it. Not much time, though, as it’s very concise. But it is full of specific examples and practical advice.
I have to admit, though, that I often found myself reacting to the author seemingly setting a really low bar. With chapter headings like “Call Her by Her Name” and “Don’t Sit In Her Chair,” I thought, wow, we’re really not reaching for the stars here. But as I read, I came to understand that, yeah, these things have to be pointed out because that’s literally how low the bar is.
On the one hand, this actually made me feel a little cocky. I think I already do most of the positive things suggested here, and pretty sure I never do the negative things (I can’t imagine I’ve ever just invented a diminutive to address a woman on my team, for example). I must be a great manager for the women on my team! Right?
Well, it also got me thinking…I’ll bet I’m not as good as I think I am. It’s a funny thing about blind spots: you can’t see them.
If the author feels these are important points to talk about because they actually happen — and I have no reason to believe otherwise — then I have to ask if I really have been self-reflective enough? Am I sure I’m not just as guilty as some of these oblivious clods described in the book? Just a great reminder of something I’ve told myself many, many times over the years: do not equate the absence of failure with success. Not being as bad as the boorish clowns described here is not the same as being affirmatively good. Always more lessons to be learned.
“All managers can strive for more, but if you can do a little, it’s better than doing nothing.”
Eberle Walker figures the nine ways to support women at work as: Call Her by Her Name; Be Someone She Can Relate To; Don’t Ask, “What Does Your Husband Do?”; Don’t Sit in Her Chair; Watch the Clock; Speak Up So That She Doesn’t Have To; Don’t Make Her Ask Twice; Be an Equal Opportunity Asshole; and Tell Her That You See Her Potential.
Many of the suggestions here seem like they would basically boil down to thoughtfulness, common courtesy, empathy, and respect. And so they do! I think a key takeaway from the book (and indeed a few others I’ve been reading lately, too) is that the modern workplace is not really a pleasant or natural environment for anyone. But with that said, it was certainly created by men to emphasize and reward mindsets and behaviors that are historically and stereotypically masculine.
Now, I’m as cis-gendered and heterosexual as the next guy and even I’ve long been frustrated and disappointed by many aspects of the typical work environment. “Supporting women at work” strikes me as a worthwhile enterprise in and of itself, of course. But if it involves the kinds of changes recommended here, then enacting those changes will make the workplace better for everyone, irrespective of gender. Seems smart to me!
I also like that in the project of trying to reform these damaging behaviors, the author does not seem to be interested in devolving to some kind of dogmatic asceticism in the workplace. Warmth, empathy, humor, and compassion are, rather, more emphasized.
Even compliments, which I personally find pretty fraught in the workplace, are welcome in this model:
“I refuse to believe that we should retreat to a world where no one says anything nice or personal to anyone else…having good judgment is essential to being a good manager.”
On the other hand, she does also get into the difficulty that
“benevolent sexism happens when on the surface a man is giving a compliment to a woman, but in fact he is undermining her.”
“‘Relax’ is absolutely the worst thing you can say to somebody when they are wrecked up about something…’Don’t cry’ or ‘calm down’ are not helpful.”
A sentence that particularly stood out for me was this:
“If you’re going to be a good manager of women, you should probably figure out how to get comfortable with crying.”
Early in my career, I was very frustrated by people (anyone) crying at work. I felt that work was a place where we should have some boundaries — we could get upset, but not that upset. We could be expressive, but not that expressive.
Over the years I came to understand that people are complicated, and no matter how much we agree on boundaries, the way those boundaries manifest is different for everyone. In fact, in some cases crying, as uncomfortable as it might make me, could be as much a sign of trust, safety, and openness as a sign of particular distress. And even if it is rage or despair, it’s certainly an expression of vulnerability and authenticity that should be valued on the team.
What I didn’t know was this piece of research:
“Women have 6 times as much prolactin (the hormone that generates tears) as men do, and are 4.5 times as likely to cry at work.”
I’m always somewhat wary of “biological” reasoning like this (it can be twisted in truly damaging ways, and also can be non-inclusive for anyone who doesn’t fit this kind of “average” population). But given that the book is predicated upon addressing how women are (mis)treated in the workplace, it’s pretty interesting data. In addition, with the book’s project of trying to reach the greatest number of people who need to hear its message, this kind of scientific fact might manage to sway certain personalities who are otherwise resistant to that message.
Eberle Walker posits that part of being relatable as a manager includes being open about your own missteps. “People appreciate knowing that their managers grapple with the same things that they do.” She cites an example of a manager who
“had been willing to open up and reveal that she was not perfect. It made her more accessible. For a manager, there's almost nothing more valuable than having your employees feel comfortable admitting their mistakes to you.”
But critically, she also notes that being open about mistakes is different from being open about insecurities.
“Most employees want confident managers, and they want to feel like they are working for someone who they can learn from and who knows what they are doing…don’t fully unload on your direct reports about what keeps you up at night either.”
That hit pretty close to home. To all my former reports, sorry about that!
It’s hard to argue with the notion that “an employee needs to be able to trust their manager.” Pretty much any healthy relationship requires trust. The manager needs to trust the employee too! And while the author proceeds to describe some behaviors that I agree are good, I am highly skeptical of — actually, I flatly disagree with — the final sentence of the paragraph: “The key to being a good manager for anyone, not just for women, is to establish a friendship with them.”
Except maybe in the shallowest possible interpretation of the word friendship, I think this is at minimum dangerous and fraught, and might even end up damaging or traumatizing. Getting laid off by your “friend” is not an experience anyone wants to have. Delivering a poor performance review to your “friend” is deeply unpleasant and quite hard to do. But layoffs and performance reviews happen. No, I don’t agree that friendship is necessary and am highly dubious that it’s even desirable at all.
“Managers don’t get to pick only a certain type of person that they like to manage.”
The Appendix, titled “How to Find Your Good Boss,” feels like it could be a book in itself. Similar to what the body of the book does for managers, the appendix lays out a series of recommendations for employees about getting a “Good Boss” and learning to recognize what that does or doesn’t look like. Some of these recommendations are aimed at being the kind of employee that good bosses want to have on their teams: “demonstrate that you are worth investing in,” and “be honest about who you are and what you need,” for instance.
Others dovetail in a lovely way with the advice the book gives to managers. For example, Rule 9 in the book says, “tell her that you see her potential.” And then in the appendix, the author suggests to employees, “believe the positive feedback you receive.”
“When someone tells you they see potential in you, listen. Ask for advice. Propose ideas. Don’t just say thank you and walk away. Take it as an invitation to pursue bigger opportunities, learn new things, and take risks.”
It’s a great addition to the book, even reading it as a manager — it’s always helpful to know what a team member might be looking for so you can try and provide it, and also to know that everyone understands that many of these things are in fact two-way streets. Which is not even to mention that most of us managers have managers too!
This seems to be the only book Eberle Walker has published, but I’d definitely be interested in reading more from her. (I do follow her on LinkedIn, though!)